DEAR SISTERS,

A question about love, family, and boundaries...

Dear Sisters, 

I really love my grandparents and want to keep them as a part of my life, but they have some really hateful ways of thinking and I'm not sure what to do. They said some horrible stuff about Chinese people and Coronavirus (COVID-19) recently. They think Trump has great immigration ideas, and they think that anyone who isn't white, straight, and Christian is a bad person. 

I am bisexual so some of their comments really hurt on a personal level. I've gotten to the point where I just don't know what to do about it anymore!!  Is it okay to still love my grandparents, even if I can't change their way of thinking?

Signed, 

Confused

Dear Confused,

There’s a lot to work through here, but I want to first answer your question simply as you asked it:

Yes, it is ok to love your grandparents, despite their flaws. You don’t need permission (ours or anyone else’s) to love someone.

The fact of the matter is that love rarely makes complete sense. 

Now, what we do, or how we act on that love is not as easy to parse. Love ultimately boils down to connection and wanting to be connected, be it a physical, emotional, mental, or other sort of connection.

Our families of origin (good or bad) are often the first connections we make. As we grow and and develop our own selves - especially if we develop different values from those people - that can create an inner conflict that’s hard to navigate. 

It’s normal and natural that you want to maintain a connection with people who have been part of your life from day one, but it’s also normal and natural to have clear and healthy boundaries within those connections. In fact, good boundaries are essential to a healthy and loving relationship with yourself. 

What do those boundaries look like for you? 

Are you able to state your own values as clearly as your grandparents seem to state theirs? 

You might say something like “Grandma, when you say unkind things about people from different cultural backgrounds, it offends me and makes me feel uncomfortable. Please don’t say those things to me.”

You might find an opportunity to have a heart to heart with them and ask if they are willing to look at things a different way. However, if that’s not the case, you are under no obligation to remain in a situation where you are on the receiving end of prejudiced vitriol.  It isn’t loving to yourself to allow those statements to go unchallenged.

Whether it’s via a discussion/conflict or just removing yourself from those interactions when needed, establishing some boundaries is going to be essential to finding balance between your own values and your relationship with your grandparents. 

I am also going to gently suggest that when you are ready, (if you haven’t done so already) you should find a good therapist and support group to help you navigate the conflict between your own identity / orientation and these messages of exclusion and intolerance that are part of your emotional and mental formation. 

Some good resources are:

The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/

And this resource list from GLAAD:

https://www.glaad.org/resourcelist

Please know that your feelings are valid and that you matter. 

With love and support, 

The Sisters